4 Days 'Til Xmas

... And yet more regrets.

Hello my friends!   Thank you all so much for your advice and kindness.  I really appreciate the wisdom imparted to help me arrive at the conclusions I have.  This is a long post, so grab your glass of wine or coffee or whatever.

What makes a person unlucky?  And do you have to be superstitious to believe that you are?  Is there really such a thing as luck?  I'll let you be the judge.

un·luck·y
1. Subjected to or marked by misfortune.
2. Resulting or likely to result in misfortune; inauspicious.
3. Not producing the desired outcome; disappointing.

I ask these questions because the situation I now find myself in causes me to reflect - is it really luck or something else entirely?

Am I unlucky? No.  Perhaps, I am just a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point, determined to unconsciously ruin every good thing that comes my way.  

Between sleeping and feeling pitiful today, I watched "It's a Wonderful Life," wondering that age old question, what if things had been different?  What if I had been born on the third or the eighteenth in the summer, on a Tuesday?  That's all superstition!  What if I had been born a boy?  What if my parent's were different or I had been an only child?  What if I never dated the most popular boy in high school?

None of it matters.  After a batch of sugar cookies and a box of Whitman chocolates, the majority of the day was spent coming to see, that it's what you do with your situation, as opposed to what your situation does to you.  Lemons or lemonade / chicken shit or chicken salad.  None of it is bad luck or good luck.

All day I felt pretty crappy about myself, not because of perceived unluckiness but because I had maligned Mr. December. From the start, I had accused him of being arrogant and deceitful.  I had deliberately overlooked every good, sterling, and genuinely perfect characteristic in him.  These are the regrets I mention in my title, the hugest regrets!  I could have chosen to make lemonade but I remained afraid of even getting squirted in the eye in the process.

Certainly, I cannot claim that making love to him was a regret, but rather making love to him while under the influence was.  I do not regret telling him how I felt in reply to his declaration during the heat of our passion, but I regret not reiterating those feelings the following day - in the sober, light.  I do not regret sharing a part of myself with him on our date, that had been walled in since high school, but I chose to pull it back from him forever when faced with his sneaky undercover detective work on the blog.

He was right - I've been convinced, either by myself or others, that I can never be worthy or special enough to deserve a man such as him.  I do find it hard to believe that he could love me as he claims, in spite of all my short-comings and imperfections, but he does and I believe him. 

The biggest shortcoming was my quickness to find fault with him after our initial meeting at the tree lighting.  What I failed to miss along the way was his expressive attention, which made me feel beautiful and desired.  I ignored his sense of humor and willingness to take what I dished out.  I willfully misunderstood each and every deliberate attempt to be near me.  His compassion, concern and commitment to others while putting his own safety aside shows a heart that loves generously.  

I acknowledge that Mr. December's true and only motive for reading and commenting on this blog was to fulfill my Christmas wish and make it the most special season.  It was my misinterpretation that destroyed his attempt and sucked the spirit out of the last three weeks.  He wanted to understand me and shower me with the magic he felt I deserved.  That is something that no man, not even my father, has done for me.  I could not recognize his true, heartfelt, intent.  I was shortsighted, nay BLIND, and, what I did in turn was suck the spirit out of his Christmas.  

Letting Mr. December go wasn't bad luck, unlucky or a misfortune.  It was just plain and simple stupidity. I lied when I said I didn't feel anything for him.  Now the question remains, what am I going to do about it?  I know you will be delighted when I tell you I will try to find my voice and put aside my fears - there is yet a Gala to attend, and if he still wants me, gives me a sign, I'll do my level best to make this right.  I will see to it that there are no more misunderstandings between us.

Thank you, again for all your advice and wisdom.  It does a girl's heart good to know people actually care.

Well friends, I believe Kelly Clarkson says it best from the movie "Love Actually"  "The Trouble with Love Is"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICwfXGjVeXw